From a wife to another – Recognizing the signs.

My mom knows me. I mean she really knows me. Just like every mother knows her daughter. I love singing and I usually keep humming some song or the other most of the time.  I am also good at hiding my sadness and disappointments. Or, that’s what I used to think until I realized my mom knew it all. Once during a conversation she told me, ‘I usually know how you are feeling based on the songs you hum or sing at home’. Wow! I did not realize it myself but when I began to notice it after that conversation, ‘She was right on!’ Like they say, moms are always right!  .

In the first year of my marriage, I found myself getting upset over a lot of things easily because I was just getting used to being responsible and being married. Oddly enough (or so I thought) hubby had no clue each time that I was upset. So I would sing just like I always do but only now, I would deliberately choose a song with words that would convey what I felt. Hubby was supposed to get it. I mean, come on, my mom got it. Even before I told her, she knew how I was feeling. If mom knew, hubby must know better. But hubby didn’t.

That made me even more upset. This went on for some time and one day, I could no longer hold it in that I shamelessly told my hubby, ‘you know, my mom always knew how I was feeling based on the songs I sang’. Hubby was supposed to interpret that as ‘If you listen to the words of my song, you will know how I feel and based on that, you are supposed to react.’ But hubby dint take the hint. This went on for a while and every time this happened, my mind would dance around with thoughts like ‘ Doesn’t he love me? My mom loved me and she knew me. Doesn’t he know me at all?’’ Doesn’t he care about how I feel’? ‘Does he not notice I’m singing a sad love failure song?’

starsI love lights. I love the lights on the road; I love the lights on the tree. I love lights anywhere in a dark room. And I love our Christmas tree with all its lights in our house. Ever since the tree has been up, I do not turn on the lights in our hall because to me, the tree looks beautiful when the lights are off. And hubby darling knew that. Since we turn off the Christmas tree when we go to sleep, Hubby finds every opportunity to turn them on for me. Like this morning, when I came out of the shower, hubby had already left to work. But not before turning off the lights in the hall and turning on the Christmas tree. Like two days back when he left for the gym while I was still sleeping. He turned on the Christmas tree so that was the first thing I saw when I woke up. And trust me, he does not care about whether the lights are on or off. I know in my heart, that he does it each time for me. And I smile every time I look at the tree. Cause I love the lights. But more because, I see what hubby darling is doing for me.

It’s been 3 years now and my hubby still does not react to any of my songs like how I would want him to react. And thankfully, I too have stopped singing situation songs. However, I am slowly realizing that marital love is completely different from parental love. When we keep looking for signs that we think are the right signs, we tend to miss out completely on the unique signs. I realize now, that my mom saw me every day for 25 years and she knew me. But hubby has seen me every day for only 3 years and for me to expect the same signs are pointless. Now, I am on the lookout every day for these small signs. They are small and hidden. But these ‘love’ signs are everywhere. There’s no right place to look cause it’s like a treasure hunt game. You don’t know what’s hidden or where it is hidden. But once you keep on looking, you will find them. Slowly and steadily. Once you know a few signs, the rest will become easy to see.

And knowing and seeing these signs, somehow gives us wives a whole lot of ‘heart’ happiness. There is nothing like knowing your husband loves you. He really does. Look for the signs.

 

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The Power of a positive word

I work with kids at church. And a lot of my life lessons are learnt when I teach them or when I am preparing to teach them. And perhaps my biggest ever lesson learnt was this – the power of a spoken word.

I’ve had 5 and 6 years olds say to me in class, words that have penetrated my heart. I was once teaching my class how cool a God we serve. I was sharing with the kids a personal experience of mine that had touched me, when a little boy looked straight at me and said, “God can do much more cooler things than that.” I had to pause for a minute because my eyes were tearing up. I was going through some personal issues at that time, and his words ministered to my heart instantly. I felt strengthened immediately.  Another time, a little one said, ‘God is so big and yet He is so small that He can fit into my heart’. Wow! Blew my mind. I was amazed at the simplicity of his words and even more amazed at the magnitude of the God we serve.

hi5If words spoken out of pure innocence can bring a joy to my heart and renew my spirit, how much more can the words that were spoken to encourage someone, light up their life. I realised a ‘Great Job!’ comment to a kid meant a lot to the kid. I realised a ‘You look beautiful today’ comment to a little girl brought out a smile that stayed on the whole morning and possible rest of her day. I realised a HighFive and a hug works wonders in making a kid feel loved. But my greatest realisation was that, these simple actions worked even bigger miracles in an adult.

One time, a stranger on the road commented, I had a beautiful voice. Another time, another stranger in the lift with Arun and me, on hearing us talk in Tamil, commented that our language was musical to ears. Another time a colleague said, ‘Here comes sunshine’ when I stepped into the office. A lady on the train once said she liked the scarf that I was wearing. When I look back at all these events, I remember a nice feeling. I remember smiling at all the comments offered passingly. It did not matter what I was going through at that instant, but I smiled. It made my day that day. And to think that I still remember all these comments after all these days, I am happy that someone decided to give me a compliment that may have meant nothing to them. But to me, meant a whole world.

I know now, that a person does not have to look like Angelina Jolie for me to tell her, ‘You look beautiful’. I know now, that someone does not necessarily have to sing like Mariah Carey for me to say ‘You sing beautiful.’ If you choose to call it ‘lowering standards’, it’s your choice. I call it, learning to see the beauty in everything.

The more you give, the more you receive. I’m not taking about the compliments. Each time, I give out a compliment; I can see the joy on the receiver’s face. And that brings joy to my heart. More than what I gave out. Try it for yourself and see. The more you give out joy, the more joy you will receive.