Mediocre !!

As per Google’s definition, this is what mediocre means.


And why does it feel like such a bad thing?

When I was little, I believed I was one of the best singers in the world. Why, you ask? My world consisted of my mom, dad and bro. And I could sing better than them. (Please, don’t break my bubble here.) When my mom and dad ‘ooohhhh’ed and ‘awwwww’ed at my signing, it fed my belief that I was a good singer. And then came college. I tried out for my college choir and did not make it. Yikes! And then Youtube entered my life. I was no longer what I called a good singer. Reality set in. Years later, I’ve made my peace with the truth. I can sing but I was ‘unexceptional’.

If the definition of mediocre did not include all the words with ‘un’s and ‘in’s and had been just this,

mediocre 2

is there a chance this word may not seem so bad after all?

I love writing. My dream would be to have a blog that the at least half the world would read. I would be getting paid for what I write. My writing would be thought provoking and funny at the same time. I would write books that become best sellers. While the dream still lives, there is also the reality. I love writing. I have a blog that, on a best day 20 people read. I write like maybe 10 times a year and I make absolutely no money from it. I do not have what it takes to write a book. (Unless of course, I print all my previous blog posts and make a book our of those papers…Apart from my mom, I cannot think of anyone else who might want to buy that book.) I am, what Google might call , ‘Uninspired’.

Someone I follow on twitter, tweeted this morning that ‘Life is too short to be mediocre’. While I don’t know that person personally or understand the context in which the tweet was made, I will fight against the thought this tweet seems to convey. That being mediocre is not a good thing.

So what, if I am one of the million IT professionals who never make it big? So what, if I never become a Taylor Swift or a Kari Jobe? So what, If I am just a fish in the ocean that you do not see or know the name of. So what, If I might be someone you never even knew existed. So what, if I am one in a crowd? So what, if I am a face that you see and forget? So what, if I am a name that you don’t write down in your contacts list?

So what, If I am ordinary or average in this world? Unremarkable in this world? Unexciting in this world. ? I am at my best when no one is watching. I am free to be me, when no one knows me.

But I rest in this one fact, that someone sees me. That someone knows me. Loves me for all my averageness. Though I am ‘ordinary’, He knows my name. And He knows your name too!

If there’s one thing you might want to take away from all this blabbering, let it be this. It’s ok that you are not famous. It’s ok that you are not the best in your field. It’s ok that you keep failing. It’s ok that you still haven’t found the one. It is not the end of your story. You are loved by the One who created you. You matter to God. Not because of who you are in this world. Not because of what you do or did. Not because of what you have or don’t have. God loves you and He always will. He know your name.

Standing at the Crossroads

The past few weeks have been differently weird for me. Different in the sense, I’ve had to take a decision that I have never taken before. So in the past few weeks, I’ve had to think about my decision, take me decision and let people know about my decision. I’ve had to deal with people’s reactions, my own doubts, what I feel is God’s plan for my life, my own doubts, our financials and my own doubts. And Oh, did I mention my own doubts?

God has blessed me with a wonderful job. The best job I’ve ever had in my life. I have absolutely no complains about my job. And the folks at my job want me to continue working for them. Everything is so perfect except (I think) God rocked my boat for reasons I do not know yet. So I stand at the crossroads now.

Lately, all I could ever think of was how, I needed to take a break from working. For what? It started as just a de-stressing time but it soon ballooned into this whole desire to pursue my dreams. And the funny thing is, my dreams are not huge. My dreams do not involve being an entrepreneur or writing a book or something that I’ve heard other people follow. My dreams are simple. They just involve me and a few lives around me.

So here I stand at the crossroads. I’ve decided which path I’m going to go. I am just waiting for the signal to turn green, so I can go. But these last moments at the crossroads, when I still have a chance to change my decision, are proving to be harder than I thought. I have my indicator on, so people can see where I am heading and I can hear them asking why? A guy shouts from his path, “Where is this path that you are taking, headed?” I reply, ‘I don’t know’. Another lady waves, ‘Good Luck down that road’.  A friend asks, ‘Are you going to come back to our path?’ ‘I don’t know. I hope this path leads me down the other path soon so I can join the crowd again.

As I stand at the crossroads, I am thinking about a lot of things. Like, how much hold money has on me. Like, how uncertain future is. Like how scared I am of uncertainty. What following your dreams mean. What stepping out in faith means. What listening to God means. What facing my doubts mean.

Standing here, my greatest discomfort is not knowing why. Why am I doing this? Why I am doing this now? What am I giving up my job for? And my answers to all of the above is, ‘I don’t know. I honestly don’t know.’

All I know is, I’m giving it all up to follow my heart and my heart follows Jesus. And I believe God put this thought into my heart. – The world will always push you to do more. At some point, you have to pause and say ‘Enough. What I have is enough’.

And with this thought in my heart I accelerate towards the path I have chosen.

Marriage – How it all begins.

Marriage is every girl’s dream. It was mine too. I dreamt for years of an evening wedding with a small gathering of my closest friends. The backdrop would be pretty and simple. The food and decorations would be a bit western. My brother would be the best man. There would be no customs and definitely no gold involved in my wedding. And then I got married. And there wasn’t even a slight resemblance to my dream in my wedding process. Except for the guy.

I had a morning wedding with the biggest crowd I’ve ever seen come to a private ceremony. The backdrop was grand. My brother wasn’t the best man and my wedding ceremony involved a lot of customs that I did not even knew existed. And I wore an awful lot of gold jewelry. Nothing went as per my dream. However, I know without a doubt that it was one of the happiest days of my life.

And that’s where a marriage begins – Sacrificing for someone else’s happiness.My husband and I have known each other for a long time. And we have never fought. But the weeks leading up to the wedding was so mentality draining on us that we constantly found ourselves fighting with each other. For no reason. 2 Weeks before the wedding, I found myself sleepless and wondering if I made the right choice. Wondering if this is how life going to be. Full of fights and tears. Wondering how we were going to solve our differences. If we will ever solve our differences. This is what they call cold feet I guess and I had cold feet. 

The reason behind our fights was this. We had plans of how our wedding was supposed to be like. And our parents had plans of how our wedding was supposed to be like. And it was not the same. While hubby found it easy to accommodate our parent’s plans, I found it hard. The only thought that was running in my head was, “This is my wedding. And I want it to be the way I have always dreamt about.”  And hubby, being the sweet guy he is, was trying hard with our parents to have it our way. And he wasn’t having much success. As a result, we were fighting.

So, with just days to go for our wedding, we made a decision. That we were going to let our parents have this happiness. They can do all that they want and we would go simply along with it. The moment we decided this, there was peace in our hearts. My feet became warm again and I found myself looking forward to my wedding day.

And I can tell you today, when I look back to my wedding day, I remember all the events very clearly. Right from how they made us walk behind a marching band to the huge life size pictures they had put outside the church with the most ‘not so nice’ picture they could find of me. Embarrassing as it was, that day, we decided to laugh at what comes our way and we did. We still do.

i-doWhen I was talking to my mom about all this, she told me this. Marriage is a one day affair. In trying to have it your way for a day, you are straining relationships that are going to last a lifetime. It is not a weak or a foolish decision to give up your personal dream to win the hearts of people you are soon going to call family. And as a soon to be wife and daughter in law, I inscribed these words deep in my heart. And 3 years from that day, I can tell you now, all that I gave up is well worth all that I gained on that day.

Raining in Google??

I’ve always been inspired to write at the weirdest of hours.Like for instance, my painter was written in the midst of a very crowded Indian bus on the way to work in the morning hours.Many of my articles have been written in the darkness, deep into the night.So, I’m not really surprised that I am writing this at (what I consider) way too early in the morning, Read on.

Hubby and I were talking last night about the thunders storm warning that have been issued in Alberta.And I think,the following conversation is a result and a continuation of our conversation last night.

Hubby : Is it raining?Can you see? (I should have probably used my brain to think why hubby wanted me to see if it is raining in the middle of his sleep)

(Struggling to open my eyes, I take the laptop and try to unlock it)I can’t unlock the system.I can’t see properly.(I am still way too sleepy at this point to really think anything) .(Making a mental note to self)’Come on, you have to open your eyes, You need to see whats on the computer. Hubby needs to know. You need to know’. (I should have also remembered at this point, that Google is not always the solution to questions )With great difficulty and awesome passion, I finally unlocked my laptop and then…..then WHAT?? (I have no idea why I switched on the laptop to see if it was raining.Heck, I don’t know why hubby wants to know if it is raining in the middle of the night(well… not exactly middle of the night).So, I turn to hubby to ask him why he needs to know if it is raining and behold, he is SLEEPING like a baby.

Seriously, all this was just sleep talking??? so, I decide to go back to sleep, only now, I am way too awake and my tummy decides to growl.I cannot sleep now.So, I pour myself a glass of milk and I write this post.

Hubby darling, if you are reading this post and I am sleeping, it means I finally managed to fall asleep again.Can you do me a favor and fix your own break fast?  🙂 🙂 🙂 .(Now, this ought to wake him up 🙂 )

CMB series : Chapter 3 – Your Knight/Princess has more often than once, been a peasant.

Have you ever noticed, how in your dating period, your boyfriend always seem to be the tall, handsome and most courageous person you’ve ever known. I’m sure guys feel the same way (in a opposit sense..ummm.. you know what I mean) about their girlfriend.If you havn’t noticed yet, think for a minute.Think about the stories you’ve heard about your boyfriend/girlfriend from themselves.Aren’t they all stories in which they have always emerged as the hero most of the times?

My hubby is a Basketball player and somehow, I have not watched him play a match, even once.I know he is an awesome player and quite a popular one in college too. I’ve heard stories of how he scored, how his team won and lost some crucial championships.Now,I’ve known my hubby for quite a few years and in most of those years we’ve been best buddies.But only recently did I hear him talk about a match that he sat out.Now, you see? My prince had been a peasant once.

Make me think about myself.I can name a million things that Arun knows about me now that he did not know before we were married.Incidents that make me look more like a peasant than the princess he (hopefully) thought I was.One example would be the way I look when I get up in the morning :).I was never a ‘make up’ person but I am sure I looked better outdoors than how I looked when I wake up.

Talking about the the stories we tell each other, it reminds me of the times, me and my friends used to wonder if whether we will ever run out of topics to talk with our spouse.After these many years of knowing Arun, I think I can safely say that I don’t think so.Cause, we still tell each other stories about ourselves that the other person do not know. Or maybe, both of us are just good story tellers. 🙂

Coming back to our CMB series, its really nice that we discover the peasant side of our spouse.What is even more nice is that our spouse choose to reveal that side to us.It means they are comfortable enough to share that part of life with us.It just makes them more normal.Makes them more like us. What say?

For more of my Changed Marriage Brings (CMB) series, check out chapter 1(Impression) here and chapter 2(Patience)here.

Up above the world so high.

There are some sights that I can`t seem to  forget even after weeks.And this post is about one of them.

I took my first plane journey ever in my life 17 days back.And it was quite an experience for me. Right from the take off to the landing, I savored every minute of my 20 hr flight.If you knew me, You would know that I am a person who finds great joy and happiness in the simple things.Like the rain falling, a child laughing, the street lights, the ocean and pretty much anything I can stare at.So you can imagine how I would have felt when I saw the world from the plane’s window.

Remember how, when someone’s really happy, we say that they are on cloud nine or that they are flying high?I dint’ really know what it truly means until I saw it myself.When I looked out of the window of the plane, it felt like a whole new world out there.A world where the sun shone all the time and and a world where blue and white were the only color you could see. A world where as far as your eye could see, there are nothing but cheerful and happy clouds.

And the end of the horizon looked like a mighty sea.A mighty sea of just clouds. Floating around. Happy colors of blue. Made me want to jump into the clouds. I felt that I could float if I stepped out of the plane. It was a world that had no buildings, no rain, no people, no politics, no pain, no suffering. It was a world of clouds. Nothing else.A beautiful beautiful world.

Made me wonder again and again, if this could look so beautiful, heaven must be indescribable.

Sight to my imagination

My hubby asked me a question today, if Calgary matched with what ever I had imagined. I answer, ‘Yes. And much more’.You see, I grew up reading up reading books like Secret Seven, Famous Five, Nancy Drew, Malory Towers and comics like Archie and Tintin. While kids my age played, I sat reading. Mainly because my darling brother hated playing and he would always read. I picked up the habit from him.

I started reading when I was around 10 (I think).What these book did to me was open up a whole wide world of imagination.A world where I could imagine every thing I was reading.When Jo,Bessie and Fanny climbed up the Faraway tree, I climbed with them. I visited every new land that visited the Faraway tree.When George,Annie, Dick and Julian hugged Timmy, I hugged him too. Whenever someone knocked on door when the Secret Seven meetings were held, I whispered the password with them.I laughed with Claudine at the pranks she played in St.Claire.

What these books also did, was describe the landscape. When a book said, ‘Snow covered mountains’, I saw it. When a  book said, ‘As far as he could see, there was nothing’ , I felt the desperation. When a book said, ‘He would not entrust his beloved to any arms but his own’ , I smiled at the love. When a book said, ‘She knelt down to pray’, I prayed along.

This is one of the reason why I find reading so much fun. I get into the book and imagine along with the character.When in High School, I started watching English television. I saw what Diners were. I saw malls.I saw parties. I saw roads, the highways. I saw huge buildings. I saw Mc.Donald’s. I had an idea how life in the ‘foreign’ was. Somehow for me(when I was small), the term foreign always meant  America / Canada / Australia etc. Basically where all the white  complexioned  people lived. 🙂

So now that I am here in the ‘foreign’ land, is this how I had imagined everything would be? Yes, It is. Though the landscape and the lifestyle did not come as a surprise to me, I do feel my heart leap every time I go out. I do feel like doing the dance when I see snow. I do feel like jumping up and down when I see the houses. I do feel like running along the road. I do feel like rolling on the floors.

So, I guess the child inside of me still exists. My imagination is still alive.Only now, I can see with my own eyes.And for this, I will,for all eternally be grateful to the Lord who made it all happen.