Posted in Uncategorized

In better hands

I don’t remember your face. I don’t remember your heartbeat.

I don’t remember anything about you except I knew you were there

and one fine day, you were gone. Just like that.

We never had our first hug. Never had our first meeting.

Never whispered to each other, ‘I love you’. Never smiled

But we had each other. Even if just for a while.

If I could relive those moments , I wouldn’t change a thing

Only this time, I would whisper again and again, ‘I love you’

But I know. Someone better says it now.

 

*in memory of the ones we’ve lost.
Posted in thoughts, Uncategorized

Lest we forget.

I love history. Not the boring kind involving dates and conquests but the kind about how people lived and survived before all the comforts arrived. The city I live in is surrounded by such museums and historical places and I quite love visiting such places.

Usually when I step into such places, my imagination runs wild. I can imagine the dinosaurs walking, the people hunting bison, people trying to conquer the harsh winters. I could go on .

On Remembrance Day this year, I got a chance to visit the Military museum in Calgary. And oh, it was everything I love – the stories behind events, the lifestyle during war times, the uniforms worn, the extraordinary courage certain men and women displayed, the loyalty to the queen.

As I walked out, there was a bit of sadness. The number of lives lost. The families torn apart. The pain people went through. The energy spent on completing a mission.

I realize this is still happening in parts of the worlds today. Lives being lost. Battles being fought without end in sight. How did mankind end up in this state?

I’m blessed to be living in the place where we live and in the time that we live in.

To all the soldiers past and present…. Thank you.

May God give us peace.

Posted in All about Him, Job Search Experiance, Just another day, thoughts, Uncategorized

Let’s retire early, Shall we?

10 Jobs that will let you retire early – That was the first mail I saw in my inbox. Ironically, that mail was from one of the many job portals that I subscribe to.

Now if you think about it, the day you retire, the job portal loses one customer. Why on earth, are they advertising to something that could potentially lead to them losing customers, (since we are already in a highly hypothetical scenario, let’s stretch it some more)  which will lead to them losing revenue, which will lead to a million job cuts and eventually, shut down of their company.

Either they are really selfless and want what’s best for their customers or they are completely confident, that not many of us will actually read that article. Let alone, get into the jobs that could help us retire early. So which one is it? That they do not believe in what they just said or they do not believe in what we would do.

OK. I totally exaggerated the whole thought. Oh, wait. I have not yet read that article. Yes, all this even before I could read what the article says. Before my mind can think all this through, my hands quickly deleted the mail. Of course, I fished it out from the trash after my brain had finished processing this whole thought.

Why does this topic seem so appealing to me?. Why do I want to retire early? Am I not happy with my present life? Will I be more happier if I retire early? Is it the retire ‘early’ part or the ‘retire’ part that excites me? Is it that I am lazy and hence do not want to work? Do I wish I was born a millionaire? Is it all about the money ?

If I have all my basic requirements to live, met today, why do I still want more? Why do I want a bigger house? Why do I want a car bigger than what I have now? Why do I want a better job? Why are we always looking for something that we do not have?

If we knew and understood  all the reasons to the whys above, maybe this world would have been a far better place than what is it now. OR Maybe not.  I don’t know.

Maybe all that I can do now for myself, is to pray what Audrey Assad sings about.

 

 

Posted in All about Him, Just another day, thoughts, Uncategorized

Little Thomas

There’s this little boy that I meet almost every Sunday. For the sake of our story, let’s call him Thomas. I got to know Thomas a few months back. He was this cute little guy whose face and beautiful smile stayed in my head.I took a liking to him almost instantly. As I got to know him better, I learnt that little Thomas was quite an interesting little person. He loves attention but hates crowd. He is quite shy and yet, given a task would love to do it. Noise makes him cringe and he likes to run away from situations that he feels uncomfortable facing. I pray for little Thomas every time I think of him and I actually look forward to seeing him every Sunday. He is my friend.

And today, when I thought of little Thomas, I also thought of something he says pretty often – ‘Leave me alone’. Every time he would say that to me, I would tell him something along the lines of , ‘Ok. Thomas. I will leave you alone. But I am always your friend and when you are ready to be my friend again, come talk to me’. Most of the times, he would immediately start talking to me. The other few times, I would give him 5 minutes, talk to him myself and he would be more than happy to talk to me again. And this happens almost every Sunday.

So today, when I thought of all this, I found myself wishing that Thomas would know how much of a friend he is to me.I found myself thinking, ‘will this little boy every understand how much I love him? ‘. ‘Will he ever know how many favors I pull for him every Sunday like making sure my seat is quite often next to his? (No Surprise there!). ‘Will he ever know that I pray for him apart from Sundays? ‘.I know the answer to all my questions are ‘Mostly NOT.’. But I also know that little Thomas has a place in my heart and it does not matter if he does not know it. I will keep on working at being his friend.

And then it dawned on me, Unconditional Love. This is probably a teeny tiny version of Unconditional Love. If this is how I feel about a little person who came into my life few months ago for a few hours every Sunday, I think I am beginning to understand God’s love in a totally new way. I now understand why God doesn’t stop loving me every time I do something wrong according to his standards. I understand why I can always go back to God after I complain and sulk about events in my life. I understand why it does not matter what my past is like. I can always go to God for a fresh start on my future.And suddenly, it dawned on me. To God,I am the little Thomas.You are a little Thomas.

Would the next time little Thomas says to me, ‘Leave me alone’, make me stop being his friend? NO. Would the 10th time from now when he says those words to me be the time I stop being his friend? NO. I cannot imagine that I can stop being friends with Thomas.

And Neither can God imagine not loving you. After all, you are his little Thomas.

Posted in All about Him, confessions of a not so great mind, friends, thoughts, Uncategorized

It’s not you. It’s me.

We have a wonderful couple as neighbours. Last night was movie night with the neighbours. We watched the movie ‘October Baby’. And I must say, I loved the movie.  It deals with a subject that I feel strongly about – Abortion.  And I did not even know it till I started watching the movie. Almost at the end of the movie, there is a conversation between the father and the daughter where the father says, ‘It’s not that I don’t trust you. It’s that, I’m trying honestly to learn to trust God again.’  Wow!

Isn’t this our problem today? – Trusting God.

october babyAs a parent, you teach your kids. You teach them not to steal. You teach them to say no to drugs. You teach them to do the right thing at all times. You teach them to not to lie. You teach them not to cheat. But what after that? You teach your kid to look both sides when you cross the road and hope that they learn how to cross roads. But what power do you have over the drunk driver who may run a red light? You teach your kid that guns are bad and pray that your kids never see a gun all their life. But what can you do about a crazy gun man who may charge into their school? You teach your kids a whole lot of things praying and hoping they are safe all through their lives but there are greater things that you have absolutely no control over. What do you do then?

As a wife, I pray for my husband’s safety every day. I tell him not to text and drive. I tell him to eat his meals. I tell him to sleep. I do everything in my power to pray and wish that he is safe at all times. But does that guarantee anything?

As a daughter, I pray for my parents that they would be blessed with good health. I call them often to see if all is well with them. I live half world across from them and I know at times when they need me, I can’t be there. What do I do then? Is anything in our hands?

I’m learning that whatever role I play in my life, I need to learn to trust God. Cause, in reality, nothing is really in my hands. The horse may be prepared for the day of battle but the victory has to come from God. I have a good job today. But I learn to trust God that He will bless the company that I work for. I take the transit to work every day. But I learn to trust God to help the driver drive safe. I eat my food every day. I learn to trust God to bless what I eat to nourish my body. I sleep every night. I learn to trust God that I will wake up the next day. When I will have my children, I will teach them all that I know and trust God to help them to decide to do the right thing at all time.

End of the day, we love our loved ones and a lot lies in our hands. But an even greater ‘lot’ lies in God’s hands. And I learn every day to trust Him that He will keep my loved ones safe physically and in the decisions that they make.

Posted in Uncategorized

See you on the other side…..

Your actions speak so loudly that I cannot hear what you are saying.

I’ve known uncle for as long as I can remember. His wife and my mom are close friends. My bro and his son are close friends. And I guess that left us to become friends. Me, my bro and his son – we grew up together, eating in each other’s houses, taking trips with each other’s families. It was kind of like having two families that I could call my own. And Uncle was my own special friend.

He was in a way, my mentor too. Two days after uncle passed away, I was still hurting when I heard my pastor say the words ‘Your actions speak so loudly that I cannot hear what you are saying’. It set me thinking. I’ve spent numerous hours with Uncle, I’ve taken a lot of mission trips with Uncle, I’ve sang with Uncle, I’ve prayed with Uncle, I’ve danced with Uncle. And in all those hours, I am sure that he would have said a lot of things to me. But somehow now when I think back, I cannot seem to remember any of those words of advices I am sure he must have told me.

However, I remember plenty. I remember all the things that he did not say to me but rather just choose to live it. Those lessons have taken root inside me and probably are things that I will always remember for the rest of my life. I will remember that trusting God does not mean that sickness will be far away from you. Rather, it means God’s grace is so abundant in your life that you can smile through the pain. I will remember that growing old is no excuse for not praising God with your hands and feet. I will remember how important it is to honor missionaries. I will always remember that people need God. That I need Jesus.

I will remember how when you trust God with your money, He will never let you be ashamed. I will remember that no matter what, I can trust Jesus. I will remember that in God’s family, you will have difference but that does not mean grudges should be held. I will remember that it does not matter if I am right or wrong, people are more important than my ego. I’ll remember that it’s alright to apologize even if I am in the right. I’ll remember to smile at all times.

If there was a banquet in honor of every person entering into heaven, I have a feeling that uncle’s table will be filled with palakottais and kolukottais. (I might have smuggled to uncle more than what he is supposed to have eaten. 🙂 )

Thank you Uncle, for all these unspoken lessons that you lived. You are my role model. As I would always tell my husband, you and Aunty are one couple that really practised every word your preached.

I’m gonna miss him. Miss his presence. Miss our ‘so called’ fights about how I have forgotten him. Miss him making fun of my cooking. When I land back in India, it’s going to be a strange world. A world without my mentor, my friend.

Uncle and Aunty helping us cut our wedding cake! It’s now one of my most cherished moments.

 

 

Posted in confessions of a not so great mind, Uncategorized

Everything I do, I do it for You.

I do not like housework. I do not like cooking. I do not like doing dishes. I do not like being a housewife. Yes, I am not an ideal wife. In fact, I am far far far away from being that.

Ever since I’ve been married, I’ve not been working. And the ‘title’ housewife was bestowed upon me. Not that I did not have fun. I did. Free from pressures of work, free from early morning start, free from constant meetings, life was fun most of the times. But there were times when I wondered, what was I really doing with my life.

I tried not to complain most of the times. In fact, I had nothing to complain about. My life was perfect. But at times in the night, when I thought back of all that I did in the day, the only things that I had seemed to have done were cooking, cleaning, some more cooking and some more cleaning. And I would become grumpy. Grumpy because I was doing what I was not liking. It was not because I was not doing something that I like to do. (You may have to read the last sentence again to understand my point).

To make my point clear, I was grumpy because of my ‘like/dislike’ and not really because of the kind of work I was doing. What I needed was an attitude change. I heard someone say recently, ‘God will not take you to the next level, until you learn what He wants you to learn from this level’. I did not quite understand at that point what he meant but this statement lodged itself in my mind.

Coming back to my attitude towards house work, I been praying about it. Praying that God would help me change my attitude towards the things that are my duties, whether I like them or not. As part of this process, I even have a note scribbled in my kitchen that says ‘TO everything you make, add a dash of love’. And it sure does help. 2 nights back, when hubby and I were praying, perhaps for the first time ever so truthfully, I prayed aloud saying, ‘Lord, if cooking and cleaning is all I am supposed to be doing, help me to do it happily, for what ever I do, I do it unto You’. And I meant every word that I prayed.

The next day, I received word that I got one of the jobs that I have applied for. Now, you may call it a coincidence. But I like to believe that God wanted me to learn my lesson first. And that is, ‘Cooking and cleaning are always gonna be a part of my life. I might as well enjoy doing it.’  All that I pray now is, ‘Lord, help me remember it all through my life’.

I’m starting work this Monday and God knows what lessons he has for me to learn then.