In better hands

I don’t remember your face. I don’t remember your heartbeat.

I don’t remember anything about you except I knew you were there

and one fine day, you were gone. Just like that.

We never had our first hug. Never had our first meeting.

Never whispered to each other, ‘I love you’. Never smiled

But we had each other. Even if just for a while.

If I could relive those moments , I wouldn’t change a thing

Only this time, I would whisper again and again, ‘I love you’

But I know. Someone better says it now.

 

*in memory of the ones we’ve lost.

My prayer for you

2:00 am . I walk to and fro in our bedroom trying to soothe my sick and almost sleepy baby. “Lord, let baby E sleep well tonight. Let him wake up only in the morning. Lord , let baby E be calm and quiet in the flights that we take . Let baby E be well for the dinner we are hosting next week. Lord, let the vacation be a good one for us. Lord, …”

And then it struck me again. My prayers are again self-happiness seeking. I want what makes my life easier. I probably have been praying wish list prayers all my life but ever since baby E was born, it’s been easier for me to identify my selfish prayers.

“Lord, forgive me for being selfish. I pray that you will give us wisdom and strength to love and care for baby E as we walk through his sickness together. I pray that you will lead us to love in the way baby E needs it. Please heal him Lord. …..”

I’m thankful for God’s gentle reminders to walk in His ways. I’m more thankful for His forgiveness when we fail. If not for His mercy and love, where would we be?

If there’s one only prayer I could pray for baby E, this would be it.

“… asking that you may be filled with the knowledge of his will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, so as to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to him: bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God; being strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy; giving thanks to the Father, …”

‭‭Colossians‬ ‭1:9-12‬ ‭ESV‬‬

http://bible.com/59/col.1.9-12.esv

Yes, baby E did eventually fall asleep. At 6:30 am. And woke up at 7:15 am.

“Lord, that strength I asked? Ummm, could you please send another dose? ”

* Baby E did go on to sleep till 8:45 am.

He made me smile

Hubby is a funny guy. It sort of comes naturally to him.

The birth of our son was quite a long process ( like 8 years long.Maybe another post on that later). The delivery was painful and loooong. Like 33 hours long.

Hubby was my support person and boy, he was amazing!. Much of what happened during that time remains a blur to me. But there are somethings that are very clear in my memory. Like the time my contractions started, our son’s first cry, the time my hubby almost passed out watching me 😁

I had a bad case of nausea throughout my pregnancy. Hubby held me every single time and day as I threw up. Once the time arrived for the delivery, 5 mins after we were given a room, I was still throwing up. A nurse was helping me and I thought hubby was holding me. When all of a sudden, I could hear voices outside the washroom.

 

 

“Are you alright? “. A muffled reply .

“Maybe you should take a walk. Gets some freshly air”. Silence.

“But don’t go too far”.

I knew my darling hubby was passing out. I was grinning. Thankfully, fresh air did him good and he came back fully pumped.

Good many hours later, I was pushing. And I was tired . Our baby was so happy staying inside the womb and simply refused to pop out. There were many nurses and other staff assisting. I was tired and wanted to quit ( like that’s an option!). Hubby was a super duper coach. Encouraging and counting. The room was quite bustling with activity. And all of a sudden, he goes “darling, you can do this. It’s only hard for the first baby. The second baby is easier” . The room grew quiet. I could hear one of the nurses tell him in a hushed voice ” Don’t say that now” . Despite all the pain, I chuckled inside. Like I still do every time I think about the birth.

Now when I think of the day 9 months ago, every memory I have includes hubby. Staying beside me every second. Holding my hand throughout. Talking sense into me. Being there for me. And I’m so thankful I did not have to do this without him.

Laughter is good. Even at the most unexpected time.

Instinct

I have a 9 month old boy at home. This morning, as he sat playing with his sippy cup, he leaned backwards a bit too far. I watched in panic. I knew he was going to fall backwards. I was too far to catch him. I sort of, shouted out to my hubby, who was a bit closer to him, in hopes that he would catch him. But I knew hubby could not make it in time.As I braced myself to watch him take a little fall, he swiftly put his hand behind and balanced himself. I could only stare.

Instinct.

2 weeks ago, this would have been a sure stumble. Watching his instincts develop , fascinates me . Immediately following his birth, he somehow knew that he had to suck his milk. One day, he knew he wanted to fall on his tummy. When it was time, he knew how to sit. Soon, he knew how to crawl, he knew how to stand holding things and today, he somehow figured how to balance himself while falling.

My little guy is growing up.

 

Oh my phone!

I spend an insane amount of time on my phone. It’s quite alarming.

Photo by Hasan Albari on Pexels.com

I use my phone a lot. From tracking my appointments, making grocery lists to reading books, my phone has become my go to. I knew I used my phone quite a bit. Recently, I came upon an app to track my phone usage and decided to give it a go. Just for fun. To see how I fared everyday.And the result has been quite shocking.

My screen time every day is an insane amount of hours that I am quite embarrassed to even mention out loud. Only 40 % of the time is justifiable. The other 60 % is purely wasted time. While I am not against checking out social media everyday, the number of times I check is ridiculous. It starts with a check and very soon, I’m watching a video on how to make a brownie and reading about the Royals.

The only game I play is ‘words with friends’ online (Oh, if you would like to play with me, let me know 🙂 ). And that takes up an hour of my day. I don’t sit and play for an hour everyday, but I do play 5 minutes every now and then. Guess, I did that 12 times today. This is beginning to deeply disturb me.

So there, I’m acknowledging it. I have a phone problem. I’m going to intentionally reduce the time I spend with my phone. I’ll let you know in a week how I’m faring. Till then, may all be well with the world.

Lest we forget.

I love history. Not the boring kind involving dates and conquests but the kind about how people lived and survived before all the comforts arrived. The city I live in is surrounded by such museums and historical places and I quite love visiting such places.

Usually when I step into such places, my imagination runs wild. I can imagine the dinosaurs walking, the people hunting bison, people trying to conquer the harsh winters. I could go on .

On Remembrance Day this year, I got a chance to visit the Military museum in Calgary. And oh, it was everything I love – the stories behind events, the lifestyle during war times, the uniforms worn, the extraordinary courage certain men and women displayed, the loyalty to the queen.

As I walked out, there was a bit of sadness. The number of lives lost. The families torn apart. The pain people went through. The energy spent on completing a mission.

I realize this is still happening in parts of the worlds today. Lives being lost. Battles being fought without end in sight. How did mankind end up in this state?

I’m blessed to be living in the place where we live and in the time that we live in.

To all the soldiers past and present…. Thank you.

May God give us peace.

What is life really about?

Right from our birth, we are taught that God made us special. That He made us unique. That God love us. That we were made in the image of God. That God will bless us. All of these statements are absolutely true. But I bet you, as you read the above statements, it made you feel good. It makes me feel good. Who doesn’t like knowing God is on our side?

Re- read the statements again. This time, emphasis on the ‘God’ part.

GOD made us special. HE made us unique. GOD loves us. We were MADE in the image of GOD. GOD will bless us.

It feels totally different to me to suddenly focus on God and not on the ‘me’ part. God begins to look big and ‘me’ does not seem to matter anymore.

The last few years, things haven’t exactly happened the way I wished in my life. I wondered why. I asked God ‘why?’ so many times. While the answer did not come one night as I slept or while a thunder rolled, it did come. Over the years. Slowly, I am perhaps understanding the ‘WHY?’

Maybe this life really isn’t about me and my needs.

If this life was all about me, then God, being the loving God He is, would run this world around me. My loved ones should not die. I should have the best paying job. No sickness would harm me. That includes the cold and the cough. I doubt, all these would make me ‘unselfish’ and more like Him.

So…..If this life isn’t about me, perhaps, it is about the Glory of God. If so, the fights over who should wash the dishes at home, does it matter anymore? Does it matter how many vacations we take or how many places we see? Does it matter how expensive our gifts are?

If life was about me, it would matter what happens to me or what injustice I went through. But it isn’t.

If this life is about the Glory of God, then all that matters is… someone washes the dishes. That I am rested enough to have strength to carry on my life for the Glory of God.

If you agree with me on the concept of, ‘this life is all about the Glory of God’. Let me ask a few questions that may perhaps help you see clearer.

In that last 24 hours, what did you do for the Glory of God.?

How much thought was spent thinking about God vs thinking about yourself?

How much of your time yesterday was invested towards eternity?

Did God really get the Glory for your last victory?

I cannot answer these questions without feeling a bucket load of guilt.

Take time to think. Is this life, really about you or me?

Could it be all about the ‘Glory of God’? (Isaiah 43)

Too Quick to Look

Are you kind ?

Think about it before you proceed further.

Kindness –  That was the topic I was going to discuss with my class yesterday. And my class consisted of a bunch of 6-10 year olds. These are good kids. I know them to be. At the start of the class, I asked them to pull a chair from the many lying around and sit. Most of the bunch did. A few little ones, could not pull a chair. And so, I did for each of those kids. When every one was seated,we started talking and I finally asked, why did the older kids not help the younger ones with the chairs. After all, isn’t that kindness ? And their reply was ‘Oh! who? I did not see anyone struggling with the chairs’. (After thanking God for such a teachable moment), I replied , ‘We did not see cause we did not look’.

We did not see because we did not look.

I do not see because I do not look.

When asked to sit, my eyes dash towards the best seat. I grab one, pull it to the best spot and sit. Proud of my accomplishment.

When I’m hungry, my eyes look for the nearest and quickest source of food. I do not look at the next table, where a hungry mother is silently watching her kids eat.

When I am in a hurry, my eyes look at the watch and the road. I do not want to look at a homeless man asking for money.

When I am tired, my eyes just want to close. I refuse to look at a depressed friend.Not yet anyway.

Till I am satisfied.

Once seated, I will look around. Maybe then, I will spot someone I can help.

Once my hunger has been fed, perhaps my eyes will wander to the next table.

Once My destination has arrived, as I wait, I will help someone with money.

Once I am rested, I will invest my time in a friend.

What if…what if the maybes ,the perhaps and the waits never happens?

We all want to help. If we had the power to heal the sick, we would. If we had enough money, we would help the poor. If we have the time, we would volunteer in a shelter. If we…. , then we would….. . If we …….. , then we would …….. .

But If we were to honestly ask ourselves, when was the last time, we had enough money, achieved all our goals and just had extra time ? When was the last time, we put others first before us?

Let me ask again. Are you kind?

Do you not see because you do not look?

Mediocre !!

As per Google’s definition, this is what mediocre means.

And why does it feel like such a bad thing?

When I was little, I believed I was one of the best singers in the world. Why, you ask? My world consisted of my mom, dad and bro. And I could sing better than them. (Please, don’t break my bubble here.) When my mom and dad ‘ooohhhh’ed and ‘awwwww’ed at my signing, it fed my belief that I was a good singer. And then came college. I tried out for my college choir and did not make it. Yikes! And then Youtube entered my life. I was no longer what I called a good singer. Reality set in. Years later, I’ve made my peace with the truth. I can sing but I was ‘unexceptional’.

If the definition of mediocre did not include all the words with ‘un’s and ‘in’s and had been just this,

is there a chance this word may not seem so bad after all?

I love writing. My dream would be to have a blog that the at least half the world would read. I would be getting paid for what I write. My writing would be thought provoking and funny at the same time. I would write books that become best sellers. While the dream still lives, there is also the reality. I love writing. I have a blog that, on a best day 20 people read. I write like maybe 10 times a year and I make absolutely no money from it. I do not have what it takes to write a book. (Unless of course, I print all my previous blog posts and make a book our of those papers…Apart from my mom, I cannot think of anyone else who might want to buy that book.) I am, what Google might call , ‘Uninspired’.

Someone I follow on twitter, tweeted this morning that ‘Life is too short to be mediocre’. While I don’t know that person personally or understand the context in which the tweet was made, I will fight against the thought this tweet seems to convey. That being mediocre is not a good thing.

So what, if I am one of the million IT professionals who never make it big? So what, if I never become a Taylor Swift or a Kari Jobe? So what, If I am just a fish in the ocean that you do not see or know the name of. So what, If I might be someone you never even knew existed. So what, if I am one in a crowd? So what, if I am a face that you see and forget? So what, if I am a name that you don’t write down in your contacts list?

So what, If I am ordinary or average in this world? Unremarkable in this world? Unexciting in this world. ? I am at my best when no one is watching. I am free to be me, when no one knows me.

But I rest in this one fact, that someone sees me. That someone knows me. Loves me for all my averageness. Though I am ‘ordinary’, He knows my name. And He knows your name too!

If there’s one thing you might want to take away from all this blabbering, let it be this. It’s ok that you are not famous. It’s ok that you are not the best in your field. It’s ok that you keep failing. It’s ok that you still haven’t found the one. It is not the end of your story. You are loved by the One who created you. You matter to God. Not because of who you are in this world. Not because of what you do or did. Not because of what you have or don’t have. God loves you and He always will. He know your name.

Love is ….

After  a week of fighting with hubby and reflecting on everything that he wasn’t doing for me, I was lead to read 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. For the first time, these verses came alive to me and I understood what it was all about.And as I read these verses, I began to understand, what an epic failure I was when I judged myself based on these verses.

Love is patient – FAIL

Love is kind – I certainly have not been kind to hubby lately.

It does not envy – Please God, don’t let me fail this one.

It is not proud – ummm. Guilty

It does not dishonor others – Guilty. At this point, I am begining to sense a pattern here. 

It is not self seeking – Groan! Re-reading my first line of this post.

It is not easily angered – Red Flag! Red Flag!

It keeps no record of wrongs – (Are you kidding me? ) I have to re-think my entire life. Huge Guilty!

Love does not delight in evil – Let me pass this one too God, please?

Rejoices in the truth – Hopefully, this is a pass.

Always protects – A pass. Maybe?

Always trusts – My biggest area of failure.

Always hopes – My second biggest area of failure.

Always persevere –  I give up too easily. Sometimes even before I start trying. FAIL!

Sigh! I need to work on a whole lot of things in my life.  I need to learn what LOVE really means. It is certainly not what I have been practicing lately. And I sure am glad that God is not giving up on me.He is still working on me to make me who I ought to be.

Have you checked your life with 1 Cor 13:4-6 lately? I sure hope you fare better than I did. If not, relax. God still loves you. There is hope yet, for all of us.